How to discover your basic love language

Discovering your partner’s basic love language is an essential thing, if you want to keep his emotional love tank full, but first let’s make sure that you know your love language, and after we heard about the languages Emotional love is one of the five: Words of Encouragement Devoting-Time Exchanging-Gifts Service Work Physical Connection Some people will immediately know their primary love language, as well as the language of their life partner. For others, it will not be so easy. Some will be like Bob from Parma Heights, Ohio. ", who said to me after listening to the five love languages: "I don't know, it seems that two of those five are equal to me." So I asked: "Which two?" “Bob” replied: “Physical contact, and words of encouragement.” “What do you mean by ‘physical contact’?” “Bob” said: “I specifically mean intimate relations.” I wanted to inquire more, so I asked him: “Do you enjoy it when your wife puts her hand through your hair, or massages your back, or when your hands intertwine, or when she kisses or hugs you at times when you are not having sex?” Intimacy? Bob said: “All of these things are beautiful, and I do not reject them, but the main thing is intimacy. This is how I know that she truly loves me.” After leaving the topic of physical contact for a minute, I moved on to words of affirmation and asked him: “When you say that words of encouragement Also important, what types of comments do you think help with this? “Bob” replied: “Almost everything, provided that it is positive, when she praises my looks, my intelligence, or my hard work at work, and when she expresses her appreciation for what I do at home, or gives me positive comments for spending some time with the children, or tells me that she... You love me, all these things mean a lot to me.” "Did you receive such comments from your parents when you were young?" Bob said: “Not very often. Most of the comments I received were critical or commanding, and I think this is what made me appreciate Carol so much in the beginning, because she used to give me words of encouragement.” So let me ask you this question: “If Carol meets your intimacy needs, meaning that you two have a good intimate relationship, exactly as you desire, but she says negative things to you, by criticizing you or belittling you in front of others, do you think you will feel that she loves you then?” He replied, “I don’t think so. I think I would feel deceived and in extreme pain, as well as frustration.” I told him, “I think we’ve discovered that your primary love language, Bob,” is “words of encouragement,” and that intimacy is extremely important to you and your feeling of intimacy. With Carol, but her words of encouragement are more important to you from an emotional standpoint. In fact, if she criticizes you all the time and belittles you in front of others, the time may come when you no longer want to have an intimate relationship with her, because it will be a source of deep pain for you. “Bob” made a common mistake among men, which is to believe that “physical contact” is their primary love language; Because they have a strong desire to have an intimate relationship, and for men, sexual desire is built into their bodies, meaning that the desire for an intimate relationship is aroused by the formation of sperm cells and seminal fluid in the seminal vessels. When the seminal vessels are filled, they put pressure on the body to release them, and so on. The desire for intimacy has a physical origin. Most sexual problems have nothing to do with physical methods, but everything is learned based on emotional needs. As for a woman, her sexual desire is primarily related to her emotions, not her physical makeup, as there is nothing physical that forms and drives her to engage in sexual intercourse. Intimate relationship. Rather, her desire is based primarily on the emotional aspect. If she feels that her husband loves her, appreciates her, and admires her, then she has a desire to be close to him physically, but in the absence of emotional closeness, she may have little physical desire. Given that the man has What physically drives him to have sex on a fairly regular basis, he may automatically think that this is his primary love language, but if he does not enjoy physical touch at other times and in non-sexual ways, then perhaps this is not his primary love language at all; Sexual desire is completely different from a person’s emotional need to feel loved, and this does not mean that an intimate relationship is not important to her. Indeed, it is extremely important, but an intimate relationship alone does not satisfy his need to feel loved. His wife must speak his basic language of love as well. In fact, when a wife speaks her husband's primary love language, his love tank is filled, and when he speaks her language, her love tank is filled, and then the intimate aspect of their relationship will take care of itself. Most sexual problems have nothing to do with physical practices, but everything to do with them. It is meeting emotional needs. After a deep conversation and reflection, Bob said: “You know, I think you are right in what you say. Words of encouragement are definitely my primary language. When they are harsh and critical towards me, I withdraw from them sexually and fantasize about other women. And when you tell me how much... “She appreciates me and admires me. My natural sexual desires are transferred to her,” Bob made an important discovery during our short conversation. “What is your primary love language? What makes you feel that the other person loves you so much? What do you desire more than anything else? If not The answers to those questions jump into your mind at once; Perhaps it will help you to examine the negative use of love language, and what your partner in life does or says, or fails to do or say, that hurts you greatly; If, for example, your deep pain is the result of words of criticism and condemnation directed at you by the other party, then your primary language of love is likely to be “words of encouragement,” and if your life partner uses this language negatively, meaning that he does the opposite, then this will make you feel pain. More than anyone else, and it's not just because he neglects to speak your love language; Rather, because he actually uses it as a knife directed at your heart. I remember Mary from Kitchener, Ontario, who said to me: “What hurts me the most, Dr. Chapman, is that Ron never extended his hand to help me at home, and watched... TV while I do everything, and I don't understand how he can do that if he really loves me. Mary's deep pain that Ron doesn't help her at home was the key to knowing her basic love language, which is "service work. If it makes you sad... It is very important that your partner in life rarely gives you a gift for any occasion, so perhaps your primary language of love is “taking gifts,” and if you feel deep pain because your partner in life does not devote his time to you, then this is your primary language of love. There is another way to discover... Your basic language of love, which is to review the past of your married life and ask yourself: “What have I always asked of my partner in life?” It is likely that what you were asking is consistent with your basic language of love, and it is possible that your partner in life has communicated those requests to It is an insistence, but in reality it is an effort on your part to secure passionate love on the part of the other party. Elizabeth, who lives in Maryville, Indiana, used this method to discover her basic language of love. She told me at the conclusion of the seminar: When I review the last ten years of my married life, and ask myself what I asked for the most from Peter, my special love language becomes clear to me. I always asked him to “dedicate time,” and I asked him over and over again to go out together for a walk, or spend one of his days together. Vacations together somewhere far away, or we would turn off the TV for an hour and chat, or go out for a walk together, etc., and I felt that he was ignoring me and that he did not love me; Because he rarely responded to a request from me, he would give me beautiful gifts on my birthday, and on other special occasions, and he would be surprised when he saw me unhappy with them. During the seminar, things came to light for both of us, and during the break, my husband apologized to me; Because he has been very stupid over the past years, and because he has been rejecting what I ask of him, and he promised me that everything will change in the future, and I believe that he will do this.” Another way to discover your basic love language is to review what you say or do; to express About your love for your partner in life, and often what you do for him is what you wish he would do for you. If you constantly do service work, it is likely (but not always) that this is your primary language of love, and if words of encouragement mean love to For you, you will most likely use it to express your love for your life partner, and so you can discover your own language by asking: “How do I vividly express my love for my life partner?” But remember that this method is a potential key to discovering your love language, and not an indicator. Absolutely; for example, a husband who learned from his father to express his love for his wife by giving her a beautiful gift, he expresses his love to his wife in the same way as his father, even if the language of “exchanging gifts” is not his primary language of love. He simply does what His father trained him to do it. I have now suggested to you three ways to discover your primary love language, which are: 1. What does your partner in life do or fail to do that hurts you deeply? Your love language is likely to be the opposite of what hurts you. 2. What What have you been constantly asking for from your life partner? It is likely that the thing you have been constantly asking for is what makes you feel very loved. 3. What is the way you regularly express your love for your life partner? Your way of expressing love may be a sign Also because it makes you feel so loved. Perhaps using these three methods you can determine your love language, and if it seems to you that there are two equal languages to you, meaning that they express your love with the same strength, then perhaps you have two languages, and in this case, you make it easy for your partner in life; He now has two choices, and both of them will convey love to you with the same strength. There are two types of people who may find it difficult to discover their basic love language: The first type is the individual whose love tank remains full for a long time, and whose life partner has expressed his love to him in different ways. There are many ways, and he does not know which of these ways makes the other party feel more loved. He simply knows that he is loved. The second type is the individual whose love tank has remained empty for a long time, and he no longer remembers what makes him feel loved. In both cases, the person should To recall the experience of falling in love and ask himself: “What did I love about my life partner in those days? What did he say or do that made me want to be with him?” If you can recall those memories, it will give you some idea about your primary love language. Another way is to ask yourself: “Who is my ideal partner in life? If I could have the perfect companion, what would he look like?” The image you imagine of your mate should give you some idea of your primary love language. Having said all these things to you, let me suggest that you spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language, and after that write the other four languages in a list, Arrange them according to their importance to you. You can also write what you think is your partner’s primary language, and you can arrange the other four languages according to their importance to her if you wish. Sit down with the other party and discuss what you guessed to be his or her primary language, then let each of you say to the other what He considers it his primary language. Once you have shared this information, I suggest that you play the following game three times a week for three weeks. This game is called “Tank Check,” and it is played in the following way. When you get home, one of you says to the other: “On a scale of zero to ten.” How high is your love tank tonight? Zero means that the love tank is empty, while ten means, “I am full of love and cannot take it anymore.” The reading of your emotional love tank is given as 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, OA, or zero, indicating the level of love. In it, and your life partner says to you: “What can I do to help fill it?” Then, make a suggestion about something you want your life partner to do this evening. He will respond to your request with all his might. After that, repeat this process, but with the roles being exchanged. So that you can both give a reading of your love tank, and make suggestions on how to fill it, if you play that game for three weeks, you will get used to it, and it will become a fun way; To motivate you to express expressions of love in your married life. One husband said to me: “I don’t like this love tank game. I played it with my wife. I came home and said to her: “On a scale of zero to ten, what is the level of your love tank tonight?” She said to me: “About seven.” I asked her: “What can I do to help fill it?” She said to me: “The best thing you can do for me tonight is to do the laundry.” I said: “Love and laundry!” I don’t understand what The relationship between them?” I said to him: “Here lies the problem. Perhaps you do not understand your wife’s basic love language. What is your basic love language?” He answered without hesitation: “Physical contact, specifically the intimate part of marital life.” I told him: “Listen to Well, the love you feel when your wife expresses her love to you through physical contact is the same love your wife feels when you wash the clothes for her. “Bring the clothes,” he shouted, “I will wash the clothes every night, if that affects me.” “Her feelings are to that degree.” And by the way, if you haven’t discovered your primary love language yet, write the readings for the Love Tank game. When your partner in life asks you: “What can I do to help fill your love tank?”, you will most likely spin it. Your suggestions about your primary love language, and you may ask for things that fall within the scope of all five love languages, but most of your requests will focus on your love language. Some of you may have questions in mind about what Raymond and Helen, who live in the city, told me. Zion, Illinois, and they asked me, "All that stuff sounds great, Dr. Chapman, but what do you do if your partner's primary love language is something you're not in the mood to do?" From the book The Five Love Languages